


Signed, Sealed, Delivered

by TrainThoughts



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Married Couple, One Shot Collection, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22895338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrainThoughts/pseuds/TrainThoughts
Summary: A series of one-shots about Jake and Amy and that kid drama.It was supposed to be easy. You had to do the do and have the kid. That's all it was. There didn't have to be talking or planning or analyzing involved.But, as Amy learns, sometimes life is not fair, and not everything was in her control. As long as she had Jake, she could get through anything. Right?
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

"Did you mean it?"

"Huh?" He asked, opening his eyes that had just begun to drift shut.

"The, um kids thing..." She trailed off, unsure what to say next. Jake was unhelpful, shutting his eyes and swallowing. A heavy silence descended upon them.

They'd left from the hospital in a huff, but Jake still had to report to the CO, and by the time they reached home, the skies were darkening. 

On the ride home, Jake began to recount to her what _actually_ went down in room 192, how he talked her down, how he held the bomb in his own hands, how, for a second, he wasn't completely sure he'd ever make it out of that room...

Of course, that sent Amy's brain into overdrive- _what if he didnt make it-what if he was hurt -what if it exploded -_ and the minute Jake shut the door, Amy pounced on him and began to claw at his clothes.

If Jake was taken aback by his wife's attack, he hid it well, and no sensible words were shared between the two until they were panting next to each other, minds pleasantly blank and bodies comfortingly sore from the life-affirming sex. 

Now he was lying on his front and she was lying on her back and not for the first time that day, they were at a loss for words.

"I just mean-" She took a deep breath and continued. "I mean, I hope you didn't say it because I _wanted_ to hear it, or- or-" 

"You mean because you threatened to leave me?"  
He finally contributed to the conversation and how. 

Amy grimaced. "Jake...you know I didnt mean it."

 _And he does know. He must know,_ Amy comforted herself. As two hyper-competitive, super- stubborn individuals, they'd had their fair share of ugly fights. It wasn't the first time she'd threatened to leave him...

"It isn't the first time you've threatened to dump me," Jake said. His voice seemed jaunty but Amy could detect the underlying bitterness and it made her want to grind her teeth. "Remember that time when I cut my toenails and left them on the counter?"

"No, I threatened to kill you, then.  
I said I would dump you when you spilled my shampoo in the tub and didn't clean it up and I slipped-"

"I was late to work! And you should wear your glasses to the shower if you're that blind-"

Amy scoffed and turned to face him.  
But Jake was on a roll now-

"You also threatened to leave, that time, when I spilled orange soda on your bank papers, and also when I went out with Charles and locked you out of the house for the night-"

"Okay, fine, enough!" She complained, with a poke to his side. "We've had some crazy fights. But-"

"But they were never about a major life decision, and making me sleep on the couch probably won't solve it," he finished, giving her a sideways glance. 

More silence followed. He was the one to finally break it.

"What would you have done if I was in jail for 15 years?" Jake asked lightly.

_"Jake- "_

"You would definitely have had to find _someone else_ then-"

"Jake, _honestly_. I know- I know, I said some things, but - but I really cannot even imagine having a family with anyone else but you!"

Jake smiled at her, but it wasn't his usual beam, the lit-up gaze he reserved only for her. It was tired and wan and it scared her. "Okay, Ames. Let's leave some for the super fun conversation later, right?"

And he turned on his side and pulled the covers around him. 

"Wait- aren't you hungry? You haven't eaten anything! And maybe we should finish this talk- "

"I'm not hungry and I just want to sleep."

"But-"

"Maybe _you_ should sleep on the couch tonight, " he grumbled.

She lay down next to him till her stomach growled loud enough to rouse her, so she went to the living room and ordered the Thai food they planned on having. She ordered Jake's portion as well, putting it in the refrigerator with a note on the counter, before she ate hers.

She brought her pillow and a blanket to the couch, but sleep evaded her, thoughts swirling around her head like a whirlpool, threatening to drown her.

Amy'd always wanted kids. She grew up with a huge family. Her father had four brothers and each of them had four kids _minimum_. And she couldn't even attempt to count the cousins on her mother's side, especially since half of them lived in Cuba. 

She didn't want like, eight kids or anything, two was fine. Three, maybe, but at her age and her salary, that was probably pushing it. She knew from the start that she wouldn't go down the '3 kids before 30' path that most of her aunts preferred, but she could imagine herself at 40, a lieutenant or captain, with two brats in the background, playing with their dad as she watched. 

She was never vocal of this desire of hers. In fact, there were times where she hid it purposely. Working at a job such as hers, which was already such a boys' club, she feared that exposing her dreams about traditiinally feminine things such as motherhood, would hold her back on the promotion charts- she wasn't likely to be at the top anyway, what with being a woman and a non-white one at that. 

Jake grew up without a traditional family. Jake grew up wanting to be a part of a traditional family- she knew that, he'd told her. She'd assumed he wanted kids- and that had turned out to be her undoing. Her first mistake.

 _Never assume, Amy_. How had she neglected to have this conversation with him? 

Somewhere, deep down, she was sure he wanted kids of his own. He was good with them, he adored them. _He's just scared._ She told herself. _He'll come around._ He'd already told her that he wanted to have kids, but she still had the niggling doubt that he'd said it just to appease her. And if he ended up resenting her for this...Amy would not be able to handle that.

If he didn't really want kids, she couldn't force him. That would be bad for every person involved- and Amy wasn't stupid. But then what would she do? 

She fell into a disturbed slumber, her sleep punctuated with dreams of two curly haired boys with Jake's kind eyes taunting her from a top of a tree. "Come down!!" She yelled at them. "Not unless Daddy tells us!" They yelled back. "Daddy's not here!" She tried to tell them, but they just didn't understand, and Amy was pleading, begging- 

"Ames? Amy!"

She startled awake and wiped the sweat off her neck- or were those tears? 

"I didn't think you'd really sleep on the couch," Jake stated. He was looking down at her, holding the bowl of rice she'd set aside for him . "You were whining in your sleep. Bad dream?"

"No...I don't remember, "Amy said, but the image of the two jolly boys was seared into her brain. 

They didn't continue the talk that day- they were late for work, and then Jake was assigned to a gang case that had him coming home long after Amy fell asleep. And then Amy had to attend a week long workshop at 1PP, and the traffic coming from Manhattan was always _murder._

It was the 5th of May when Amy told Jake- and the precinct -that she was pregnant- it was a lie, a lie she had to tell so she could win the damn heist- but the words felt heavy in her mouth, and seeing Jake's ecstatic expression turn into indignant anger made her want to die on the spot. Her second mistake.

"It was a horrible lie," Jake said when they're walking to the car. "You're such a cheat."

"I know! I hated it! I'm sorry! I wouldn't never have dreamed of it if Holt hadn't suggested it- and also getting tased hurts!" Amy burrowed her face in her hands.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Jake retorted dryly.

"We both got the idea from Felix's stupid video, didn't we?," Amy grumbled. 

"Totally," Jake laughed.

At Thanksgiving, Amy's youngest brother had shown them a prank video where a kid coerced her family members into doing what she wanted, via taser control (they would get tased when they refused her anything, and the taser device was sewn into their clothes or something). Felix's intention in showing them the video was to score himself a free taser to make a similar video- he hadn't got that taser, but his older sister and brother-in-law had got something - an idea. 

"I still can't believe you baited me- I thought I'd hurt our baby- you're a horrible person -" He accused, and Amy hung her head in shame. Jake saw and pulled her ponytail, but it was an affectionate gesture.

She gave him a woeful look. "I said I was sorry! And you should have known I was lying- you can't know the sex of the kid till like, 4 months in, and if I found out I was pregnant, you would know the _next_ minute, if not that very one."

"Yeah, way to blame the victim, Ames," he said, but he was smiling.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked hesitantly, reaching round for the seatbelt. 

"Nothing," he mumbled, but Amy gave him a look. "No, tell me!" 

He shook his head, so Amy added, "Remember you're still wearing the taser-fitbit."

"Urgh, too soon for joking about that, Ames!" He whined and she quickly apologised, but refused to turn on the engine till he told her.

"It's just..." he glances at her quickly before turning to look outside and Amy could tell his cheeks had darkened. 

He took a deep breath and tried again. "My knee-jerk reaction to hearing that you were pregnant, was total joy, like I felt this- this deep _happiness_ \- and that kinda...gives me hope that, maybe, deep down, I'm not as terrified as I thought I was..."

Amy couldn't hide the broad grin that spread on her face. "Yeah...I was...me too. I mean, I would've gotten to enjoy your happiness more if I hadn't been feeling so guilty about lying but...yeah."

He shot her a grin."But I'm not _ready_ ready yet, Ames- "

"Yeah, of course!" She said quickly- too quickly. She wasn't going to lie, she was slightly disappointed- she could hear her mother's voice in her head, saying- _almost 40!!_ She took a deep breath and tried to soothe herself - she was only 35, there was still time. ( _Barely any!_ Her mother's voice said. _You'd better start right away_!) 

In the next few days, Jake was more relaxed about baby talk. He didn't automatically tense up at pampers commercials and at strollers at the park. He even began a sentence with "When we have a kid -" 

_"Progress!"_ Amy thought, but she didn't engage him when he talked like that- she feared that the dam inside her would burst, that she would yell at him - _WE NEED TO START MAKING BABIES NOW, I DON'T HAVE TIME-_ and jump him on the couch, then and there, in her rush to get herself pregnant.

So she would just smile, or chuckle, and ask him what he thought of her latest scheme for revamping the Office's Filing System, and then he would tease her, and there! Topic changed. Disaster averted. 

The third mistake she made was to go to the water park with him on their anniversary.


	2. Chapter 2

They could have gone later, in the summer, as Amy originally planned. But Jake wanted to go on their anniversary, and Amy didn't exactly have the upper hand right now- so she acquiesced, and they took two days off. 

It was barely ten days after the heist- and Amy was still on edge, caught up in her feelings. On one hand, she was _elated_ that Jake agreed to have kids- and because he genuinely wanted them, too. On the other hand, the wait for him to get ready was _maddening_. Every night, she read articles about pregnancies after 35 - they were called _'geriatric pregnancies'_ for God's sake - and the worry in her chest grew larger and larger. She didn't dare nag him, though. Despite her fears, she wanted him to be ready when he was _ready_ ready. To be fully sure, like he was, when he decided to become a cop or asked her to marry him. Like how sure he was when he bought his $500 sneakers with the thought that they would never lose their value and he could sell them as vintage sneakers 20 years later earn, as he put it, a 'buttload of money'. 

The waterpark....was a mistake. It was full of kids. Older kids. Younger kids. Babes in arms. Entire families screaming and running and having fun.

Jake bounced on the balls of his feet, his eyes shining as he took in the scene in front of him. "What do we start with?" He asked, excitement lacing his tone. 

He dragged Amy through all the crazy slides and she won their surprise dunking competition - 9 to 3 (Jake could not be subtle at all) and lucky for Amy, they barely had to interact with any kids. 

And when they went back to their hotel room at night, the theme for that night's roleplay being 'action movie', the last thing Amy had on her brain was kids. Then it was all Jake. And sex. And Sex with Jake. She was putting the finishing touches to her, ahem, costume, in the bathroom, when there was a knock on the door, soft but insistent.

"I got it!" Jake called out. (His costume was not as obvious.)  
There was the sound of a door opening, and then - 

"Hello, there-"

Silence

"You looking for someone?"

Silence

Amy opened the bathroom door, just a smidge, to see what was happening. Half of Jake was hiding behind the main door, and his head was peering out at a kid, maybe 2 or 3 years old.

"Mama?" She said tentatively and her lower lip trembled.

"Oh, um, hey," Jake fumbled, as he realised the shift in the kid's mood, "- are you lost? What's your name?"

"Mama!" She insisted, and Jake kneeled down to her level. 

"Hey, it's okay- I'll help you find your mama -"

Amy quietly shut the bathroom door and moved to sit on the edge of the tub, rubbing her eyes. She couldn't watch a Jake - Kid interaction without being rudely reminded of what she wanted - what she didnt have.

Amy was a go-getter. Once she set her mind to something, she got it. She _made sure_ she got it.

_Do I even want kids that much?_ She sometimes wondered, when a pang went through her at seeing her brothers play with their kids, or on hearing her officers share stories of their children. She suspected the bitterness had something to do with her stubbornness - she wanted kids, Jake wasn't sure, and suddenly the fact that she might not get something she wanted, made her want that thing even more.

She'd always been like this. When her mom said she couldn't go to football practice with her brothers on account of her being a girl and all, she got the rules changed. She didn't even _like_ football. 

_Grow up, Amy_. She mumbled to herself. God, she could do with a cigarette. 

She could have been in there for a minute or an hour, when Jake called for her. "Babe, you done?"

"Yeah! Just, um, a sec!"

"Who was at the door?" She asked as she made her way to the bed. Jake whistled when he saw her, making her roll her eyes and blush. 

He didn't answer right away (too busy looking at her with his mouth slightly ajar) so she raised her eyebrows.

He coughed and threw her a smirk. "Oh, this cute little girl- she'd lost her way, her room is just next to ours! She was panicky at first but she calmed down when I talked to her -" 

"Okay," Amy said, quickly. "Now, shall we?" 

Jake paused mid-sentence. Then he reached out a hand and dragged Amy on top of him. 

Almost an hour later, when they were drying themselves off after a rather steamy shower session, Jake nudged her shoulder.  
"You're kinda quiet, Ames, everything okay?"

_No, no, no, control, not now, not now -_

She couldn't do it. She'd _told_ herself she wouldn't do it. 

She wasn't able to stop herself. 

"I had that routine OBGYN appointment last week-" 

He sat up and looked at her. Amy purposely avoided looking at him, because she could read his expressions very well, and just this once, she did not want to know what he was thinking.

Jake frowned. "And?"

"And, um nothing! Everything's good down there!" She chuckled nervously.

"Oh-kaaayyyy," Jake's expression turned from concerned to suspicious as he pulled on his tee. 

She _wasn't_ going to talk about it on their vacation. She'd strictly instructed herself to _shut up_ about it. But if she didn't talk about it, she was going to overthink herself to _death._

"I asked her what would be a good time to go off my birth control, for, ummm, you know, and she said that it could take six months for, um, us to conceive, after, so she recommended taking it out as soon as possible -" 

Jake ran a hand through his wet hair. "What- what does- what d'you mean?" 

Amy tried very hard to keep her nonchalant tone intact. "Well, I mean, she just asked me when I wanted to come in for taking the IUD out, and ummm - "

Jake sighed, cutting her off."Ames- its- I understand-"

Amy decided to play dumb."What?"

Jake affixed her with a stern look. "You're asking me when I'm going to be ready-" 

"Well, I mean, that's not -"

He pursed his lips, and Amy held her tongue and clenched her fists. There was no point in pretending in front of Jake, he was very astute when it came to figuring out what Amy was hiding, much to Amy's chagrin. 

"It's just that - time," she said, dully.

Jake turned to look at her, anguish on his face. "I know, Amy, but c'mon - it's going to be worse if we rush headlong into something, without being prepared- you, of all people, know that-" 

"But-"

"And...listen. I'm not just talking about me being emotionally and mentally ready for being a parent. That's- that's coming along fine, I think...? But there are so many other things to think of! The money, Ames! We spent a part of that saved money on the waterpark! Plus, I think I spent like, over Two Thousand dollars on the heist this year-"

Amy nearly choked at that. _"What?!_ But I thought the banner was for Eighteen Hundred?! "

Jake screwed his face up in apology. "Yeah- I flew in Earl up from Ohio - it doesn't matter now-"

"...Sure," Amy said, sounding faint.

"And y'know, those sneakers, and we've been putting off the house repairs for so long, and you were talking about buying a new car-"

"I get it," Amy said, quietly. 

"Are you sure?" Jake asked her. He laced his fingers through hers and gave her hand a squeeze. She squeezed back and nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. 

They were sitting in the bed, Amy cross legged and Jake slouching with his legs stretched, like they did almost every night at home, when they talked about their days, and complained about their parents, and shared stories about their co-workers, till they were too tired to keep their eyes open.   
Except right now, Jake's body was tense and Amy's knee jiggled. Finally, Jake put his hand out to stop it. He kneaded her calf muscles while he tried to find the right words. 

"And- okay. If- if it's going to make you feel better, we can set a concrete date! Like y'know, maybe a year from now, or 2 years from now, when we'll officially start trying- "

Amy whipped her head around to face him. _"Two years!?_ Jake-"

He put one hand up as if to placate her. "Okay, a year, then? Next June-ish? Maybe the kid'll be born on April Fools Day, that'll be fun-" 

Amy crossed her arms across her chest. "Fun for whom?! And Jake, I'm not immediately going to get pregnant the _very first time_ we have unprotected sex -" She said, more snarkily then she'd thought. "She said it could take six months or more-" 

"Okay fine, then it takes six months, that could mean the baby is born on Halloween, babe, do you know what that could _MEAN?!"_ He grinned at her, but Amy wasn't about to be pacified. 

She snorted. "Funny how you can calculate so fast when it comes to my hypothetical pregnancy and when I ask you how much you've spent on sour candies you take _ages_ -"

"Well, sour candies includes sour patch kids, sour worms, sour punks, those Mexican hard sour candies, I have to add all that-" 

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose. " _Jake!_ " 

"Fine, fine, not the point, I'm sorry! But Ames, I mean it, I think we wait a year before we start trying." 

Amy opened her mouth, possibly to argue, but then she sropped herself. Jake wasn't wrong, kids were expensive as hell, they'd have to change a lot of stuff in their lives- from cars to insurance plans to eating habits- before bringing a child into the world! She'd have so much research to do- best cribs, best pediatricians, best preschools, maternity leave, college funds- 

"Ames?" 

She sighed, burying her face in her hands. "You're right," she mumbled.

"What?" 

"You're right..."

"Sorry, what?" 

"I said, you're - " She broke off with a frown when she realised he was baiting her. "Urgh, you _bastard_!"

Jake guffawed at that. "Aww, Amy, I thought we'd agreed not to use father- related expletives-" 

Amy raised her eyebrows. "Oh, did we?" 

"Yeah, c'mon, it was in our wedding vows!" 

"What!" She laughed. She hated that about Jake, it was absolutely _infuriating_ the way he could make her laugh out of nowhere, even when she was being serious, or upset at him. She also loved him for that. 

"Yeah, don't you remember? 'Do you, Amy Santiago, promise to not call Jake a bastard because it's too close to the truth?' And you said, all teary-eyed, 'I do!' And everyone clapped and we kissed, for ages. Holt said he was impressed by my technique-"

"Ohmygod, STOP!" Amy was holding her shaking sides, trying not to laugh at his joking words. How he could flip the mood with few well-directed remarks was beyond her, even after being in close proximity to him and his wisecracks for more than ten years! He was chuckling too, so she reached out to pull his cheeks, because he absolutely hated that, (it was a weapon in her Jake Toolbox- but it was a double-edged sword- because sometimes it made him complicit, to get her to would stop, but sometimes it would make him downright mad) and in retaliation, he tried to tickle her into submission. 

When they'd calmed down, they lay down facing each other, too lazy to get up to turn off the light but unable to sleep until the light was turned off. Amy wiggled her nose, trying to push away a lay strand of hair that fell across her face and was tickling her nose. Jake watched her efforts with amusement before pushing it away for her, gently tucking it behind her ear. His fingers lingered, caressing her jaw. 

"You said I was right, before." 

Amy looked at him, long and hard, searching his face, while also figuring out what to say. 

"...Yes."

"For realz? " 

"One year. For real......z," finally saying it, surrendering to Jake's pleading gaze. 

"Noice!" He whispered, squeezing her arm. She covered his hand with hers. She imagined them lying similarly in the next two years, with her pregnant belly between them. 

Then she got up to turn off the light.

_At least we've had a conversation about it._ Amy thought as they loaded the car to drive back to the city, the next day. _Maybe I'll be done making stupid mistakes by saying stupid stuff that jeopardizes our relationship._

"Goodbye, waterpark," Jake said glumly. "I'll be back soon!"

"Maybe when our kids are old enough!" Amy quipped. 

Jake threw her look, hald amused, half exasperated, before getting into the car. 

_...So much for not saying stupid stuff._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New month, new problems

There was a time when Amy wasn't sure if Jake wanted a child. No stranger to intrusive thoughts, she'd find herself thinking about what would happen if she got pregnant when Jake didn't want a child. _Would they break up? Would she have the baby?_ She'd shake herself out of her day-mare and order herself to focus. _Jake wasn't cruel! He would never abandon her! Or his child!_

Now-a-days, Amy wished that _that_ was her biggest problem - wondering if Jake wanted children. Wondering what their future held. Not knowing. 

But, no. _Now_ she didn't have to wonder about that. She knew Jake wanted kids and that he was a hundred percent in. She knew that if she got pregnant, Jake would be the happiest person in the world! 

No, now, now she had to wonder about what would happen if she _never_ got pregnant. Because the way things were going, that seemed like a very probable reality. 

A reality Amy was NOT ready to face.

Six months. They had been trying for six months. The sheer joy she felt when they decided to start trying last June seemed so far away, so blurry. 

She told Jake she was _done_ while gulping down a large mug of black coffee, her first in months. She didn't miss the caffeine as much as she thought she would, and now she was drinking it just because she _could_. 

She spent the rest of the day in silence, avoiding people as much as she could. Then Scully texted on the group chain that Hitchcock's divorce party was that night, and Amy didn't want to go, didn't want to be around people, didn't want to be asked questions about how the 'trying' was going, didn't want to hear jokes about her and Jake's sex life. But then, maybe she could drink the night away (even though they did that literally last night) and escape another night's conversation of 'maybe this one is the one.' So she replied with a thumbs up, not surprised to see Jake's RSVP quickly follow. 

He texted her immediately, though. " r u sure   
u ok with going tonite?" She replied with a 'sure!'and put a smiley face for added effect, and switched her phone off. There was paperwork to be filed. 

She was working at only 32% of her usual efficiency. She sighed, the paperwork being unable to distract her from her miserable musings.

_I just wanted to have a family of my own._ The thought popped into her head, unbidden, and her eyes filled with tears. She blinked them away hurriedly, and wondered what allergy she could use as an excuse. 

She'd made a pact with herself, somewhere along the third month of trying, that she wouldn't hold herself or her body at fault. But six months had passed, and the tests were still negative, and it was getting harder and harder not to play the Blame Game. 

_I put myself under too much stress. I smoked too much. I drank too much alcohol. I eat too much cheese. I don't exercise enough. I'm a big ball of anxiety, waiting to burst._

She hadn't smoked for a year, but who knows what lasting damage had already been done? Ever since she'd gotten with Jake, her stress levels had reduced but the 30 years of stress before that surely must have had an harmful effect on her system? 

For all the science medals she'd won in school, Amy had her moments of superstition. And when half a year of trying brought no fruit, Amy was convinced- 

The universe just didn't want her to be a mom. Maybe she'd be a bad mom. Maybe she'd nag her kids and push them too hard and get too angry at messes and they'd hate her and she'd end up distressing everyone. Maybe this was the universe's way of protecting any future children from her relentless needling. 

She groaned, deep and forlorn, and in her periphery saw a few heads raising to look at her. She quickly turned the groan into a cough and made a big show of looking for the Allegra in her purse. _They couldn't know. No one could ever know._

She felt so stupid, so mad at her five-drink self for announcing to the bar last night about their trying plans. She didn't even remember it, only realizing when she got congratulatory texts from a few officers. Now everyone knew they were - rather had been - trying. Now everyone would know they failed. 

She wondered if the allergy pills would keep her eyes from tearing up out of sadness, as well.

It was lunch time and Amy was kinda glad Jake was out at a crime scene because she was not ready to face him, not yet. She hadn't planned it - to say it aloud, that she wanted to stop trying. Sure, she'd been thinking about it for a couple of months now, but telling Jake seemed like a kind of, _finality_. Like she'd accepted defeat- 

-because she did not want to stop trying! She was feeling lost and each month filled her with a devastation so extreme she wanted to rip out her heart, or whatever part of her brain made her feel emotions (amygdala, said brain unhelpfully supplied) but some stupid part of her was still thinking "This'll all be worth it when I finally get pregnant!" 

She just wanted a family of her own. Was that too much to ask? Something that was all hers, only hers.

Growing up with eight siblings ensured that all she owned was shared. Not only the stuff she owned, but her parents' time, attention and love was stretched out too thin at times, and more than once she found herself wishing that she had fewer members in her family. It didn't happen often- she loved her huge-ass family to bits- at times, even preferred it. But they were all human and there were times when she realised that there was not enough affection to go around. 

Her new family would be all her own, they would all love and cherish each other the same and that bond would be strong and unbreakable and all theirs, and- 

_Anyway. Whatever._  
She finished her sad looking sandwich and locked herself in a bathroom stall till lunch break was over.

They didn't last long at Hitchcock's party. Enough to listen to Scully's speech (which was more a declaration of love for Hitchcock), finish one round of drinks, and refuse the butt-cake.  
Jake told her that they were a family and he didn't need anything else, and that, along with the one shot of vodka she'd downed, filled her with a warmth she couldn't control, so she kissed him desperately in the bar and took him home and he fucked her against their bedroom door and then she rode him and then he took her in the shower again. 

They didn't talk about it again, but when the 'test-taking' day of that month rolled around, Amy offhandedly mentioned that they might as well use up the pregnancy tests they'd bought, and Jake hummed in reply, but she couldn't push down the ball of hope that rose in her heart and she was sure she caught a flicker of it, in Jake's eyes. 

She was nonchalant when she took the test out, she was nonchalant when she peed, she was nonchalant when she washed her hands thoroughly and dried them off, she was nonchalant when the timer rang, she was nonchalant when she came out of the bathroom, looked at Jake and said _nope._

Because it was still negative. She was still not pregnant. 

Jake grimaced then gave her a wry smile, because honestly what else was left to say? And she clenched her jaw and tried to smile back but her face muscles seem to have paralyzed. She'd never broken down at a negative test yet, just felt a rush of sadness that lingered through the day, but was replaced soon enough by hope, and she used to go back to researching and planning with renewed vigour. _Maybe next time._

But this time, there is no rush of sadness. Instead, the sadness comes in slowly but surely, until there was a vat of desolation stirring in the depths of her stomach. 

She threw the test into the bin and went back to her laptop and heard Jake go back to watching whatever cartoon he was watching, before she disturbed him with this crackpot idea that this time, maybe this time, it was happening. 

She couldn't concentrate, not even remotely. The sorrow was making it's way up, clouding her thoughts and choking her lungs, leaving her gasping for breath. Without warning, the tears sprang forward and she tried to be sneaky, rushing to the bathroom before Jake could see, but the tears blurred her vision, and she knocked into a chair. Jake looked up and saw her face.

He held her for a long while after that. They didn't say much, because it'd all been said and done, really. 

At the end of the day, when they were going to bed, Amy turned around and curled into Jake. 

"Thanks, babe." She whispered, because she was genuinely so grateful that she had a husband like him. She knew of one too many couples who had broken up over infertility issues, and she was glad that the craziness of the past six months hadn't pushed a wedge between them. She was glad he was more understanding than most people, and she couldn't think of a better person to go through this hellhole with. 

He grasped her hand in his and squeezed it. "You have nothing to thank me for, Amy." 

"I know, I guess, but I just want to say that the reason I've held on for even so long is you, and I've just _tortured_ you for the last year with the capsules and the no video games and the boring-ass sex and the stupid p-pants and the fucking c-calendars -" 

She was sobbing again, and Jake turned and gathered her up in his arms and whispered "It's okay, it's okay," till she fell asleep with her head on his shoulder. 

They cleaned everything up the next day- the calendars and the posters and the timetables. They kept the vitamins, cause those were expensive as hell, and Amy used the horrible pants to make washcloths, like her Cuban mother had taught her. 

They don't bother with birth control again, because they were still low-key trying ( _"and also because apparently my body is birth control enough," Amy choked out at the pharmacy, and Jake barely had time to drag her to a corner before she started to cry. He hushed her angrily and said how dare she blame herself and that she was perfect and he wouldn't let her do that because she was better than that._ ) 

Amy wondered what she could have possibly done, in this life or the past, to deserve a husband like Jake. Then she wondered what she did, to be unable to have children, without a clear medical reason. "For some people, it just takes time," the doctor said, and it was hard not to just yell, "BUT WHY?!" 

She considered booking an entire fertility work-up for them. She considered asking her brother Christian about adoption agencies. She considered starting to save up for IVF. 

But her heart wasn't in any of it. She was tired and exhausted, of the research and the analysis and just all the _work_. Maybe Jake was right, and they both deserved a break from this. "Take it cazz, y'know what I mean?" He said. At her blank look, he hastened to explain. "Cazz. For casually." 

She rolled her eyes and pulled him into a kiss. 

She didn't know what was going to happen. She had no control over her future and all her planning seemed useless and dumb. She didn't know if they would ever become parents and she didn't know if she wanted to start trying again.

All she knew was that no matter what happened, no matter what she decided, Jake would never leave her side. They were together, they were a family and they would face the future just as such. Hand in hand. Amy never placed much stock in religion or god, but every night she found herself thanking a higher power that led her to Jake- the love of her life. Her family. Her _everything_.


	4. Chapter 4

Amy settled down with her dinner (Thai take-away) and her phone, and prepared to call her mom for their weekly chat. It could last from two minutes to two hours, depending on their moods, and sometimes it ended with raucous laughter and sometimes with angry tears.

Yeah, she had a complicated relationship with her mother.

Jake was on a stakeout, so she couldn't even pull faces at him when her mother said something crazy or upsetting. Usually they'd communicate in facial expressions for the duration of the phone call, and if Amy was being honest, that was one of the major reasons she patiently called her mother every Thursday at 7 PM. (Also, if she didn't call, her mother would lament to all of New Jersey how her daughter had moved to the city and had forgot her parents, not to mention the snide remarks on the Santiago group text chain and taunts for the following 3 to 4 weeks - so yeah, she called every week.)

It was one of the good days, Amy's mom having a topic to complain about - Amy's cousin Sara, who'd left her job to 'go discover' herself in Sri Lanka. Amy, who'd never liked Sara (due to constant comparison to the unfairly pretty girl), enjoyed the rare situation of being on the same side as her mother for a change, and twenty minutes later found the duo laughing about Sara's wacky life decisions. 

"...and I said, thank God my children have better sense!" Camilla said, causing Amy to hum non-committally. There were some things about her children that Camilla did not know, and it would stay that way.

"-Anyway, she can do whatever she wants, it's her life, but she should have thought about her parents, at least-" 

Not for the first time, Amy considered telling her mom everything- that they'd been trying for a child, but it just _wasn't happening_ and Amy was running out of ideas, and patience, and was this close to giving up. Her mother had never outright asked her what her plans for motherhood were, but with every pregnancy announcement in the family, Camilla would add, "It's good they got pregnant before it was too late!" And the sideways glance at Amy or the meaningful tone of her voice would tell Amy all she needed to know. 

She decided to go for it, but not before bracing herself for the I-told-you-so's her mom was bound to spew out.

At the end of the day, Camilla was her mother and despite the ups and downs in their relationship, Amy genuinely loved her mother. She was a hard-working woman who'd made a lot of sacrifices for her kids. Amy had enough faith in their bond to know that Camilla would always have her back- even though she had a funny way of showing it sometimes.

So she cleared her throat and said, "Mama? I need to tell you something," interrupting her mother's spiel about her brother Eric's wife's dismal sense of style.

Camilla stopped talking abruptly, recognizing the change in Amy's tone. "What happened?" 

"Ermmm. So. I'm- I mean, there's, we-" 

"Is it Jake?" Her mother asked gently, obviously and annoyingly reaching to blame him. 

"No! It's, it's, me!" Amy snaps, frustrated. This was not going well. 

"You? Did you do something wrong?" 

"No! I mean, maybe, yes, who knows? Maybe it was something I did-" 

"Amy, what's going on? You're worrying me!" 

Amy rubs her eyes, embarrassed at the tears that had gathered. "Mama, Jake and I have been trying to have a b-baby for more than half a year now, and- and nothing's h-happening..."

Camilla was silent for a while, but Amy didn't notice. It was the first time she'd said this out loud to anyone except Jake, and her mind was reeling. 

"Oh darling, darling, I'm so sorry!" Her mother breathed out, clearly distressed. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My poor baby!"

Amy felt a warm tingle go through her body. Her mother understood. She didnt say 'I told you so'. She _sympathized_. Amy had to say, it felt....nice. 

"Did you go to a doctor? Is there something wrong?" 

"We did, a while ago, and she said that it could take time..."

"But did you do all the tests? Find out the problem?"

"Actually, we - we decided to take a break..."

More silence. 

"I don't understand. A break? A break from what?"

"From- from trying-" 

"No!"

"What? N-no?" 

"Amy, you can't take a break! You have to keep-"

"Mama, we're tired, and it just-"

"No, no mija I get it. Honestly -" Amy rolled her eyes because sure, the woman with eight kids 'got it'.  
"- constant disappointment...its hard. But - but listen to me! You aren't getting any younger. If there are any problems, they won't go away with time. Now is the time to act! Go to a doctor, see what can be done! There are so many options now!" 

"I know, but-" 

"No buts! Amy, you were always stubborn, as a baby, as a child. You still are. I know I can't force you to do something, but this once, listen to me. Don't just stop."

"It's not _stopping_ , it's a break! Taking a breather-"

Camilla laughed and Amy was shocked speechless. "Nonsense!! Amy, these kind of things aren't solved with _breathers_! Promise me, the first thing you'll do tomorrow is call the doctor. You know, your cousin Samuel used IVF? He had triplets! And our neighbor, Jenna, she's been trying for a while too, I'll ask around and find the best doctors, and-"

"No, no, don't ask anyone!" Amy interrupted. The last thing she needed was a family wide discussion about infertility. "I have a doctor, I'll call her-" 

"Yes! You must-"

The rest of the call goes in a similar vein, with Camilla urging her to immediately contact all the specialists in New York City and digging up old recipes from her great-grandmother which would help, and telling her stories of her sister's daughter's friend's cousin who also had trouble conceiving, and _look she has four kids now_ \- 

Amy realizes she is embarrassingly close to getting best conception-sex advice from her mom and immediately tries to return the conversation to safer waters - and when it came to her mom, safe conversations meant _no_ conversation. "Mama, Jake is home! I have to go, I'll call next week-" 

"No, no, call me after you talk to the doctor! Amy, you might be feeling down now, but trust me, we can get you through this. And trust me, I'm here for you, okay? Anything you need- 

"Yes," she whispered, overcome by emotion once again. 

"I'm glad you told me, Amy. I know you tend to hide things from me. But I'm glad you decided to share. And I'll help you, every step. We will not rest until you have a few curly haired half-white brats running around-" 

"Okay, okay, stop! Bye!" 

Amy was shaking her head at her mother's words when the door opened and Jake walked in. "Hey, babe! Talking to your mom?"

"Just ended the call. Jake, I told her."

When he looked at her quizzically, she explained, "I told her about- about the problem. The, erm, baby problem."

His eyebrows went up. "Oh? Um, okay? What did she say?"

"Well, she basically asked if we were having sex properly- not in so many words," she said, laughing at his aghast expression. "But, essentially, it's what she meant."

"Well, I hope you told her-" He stopped at the couch on his way to the bedroom and dropped a kiss to her head. "I hope you told her, our sex is _perfect_."

She grinned at him, and yanked on his tie to pull him down into a kiss. 

They did it right there, on the couch, and then once again in the shower. It was nice to have time to explore each other again, without worrying about the, ahem, deposit. The kinks were back in full force!

It wasn't until they were turning in for the night when Amy made the decision. Jake was talking animatedly about his case, and Amy had a sudden vision of Jake with a child on his lap, teaching it to play video games, both with identical expressions of enthusiasm.

She wanted that. _So, so_ much. 

"Jake?"

"Hmm?"

"Jake, I've done some thinking...and I think we should go to the doctor again. Maybe do IVF."

He sat up straighter, and looked her in the eyes. "Are you sure?"

"...yes. its just, I cant stand not knowing. At least, at least, we'll know if somethings wrong, y'know?"

He took her hand in his and squeezed. "Amy, I'm down with anything you want to do."

She couldn't help herself, she threw herself into his arms and after a second of surprise, he engulfed her, rubbing her back as she clung to him. She didn't say anything.

She didnt need to.

They got an appointment for four days later, and they both took a day off for the expansive testing the doctor ordered. Amy was a nervous wreck through these non-studyable tests, but Jake did his best to cheer her up with gross stories of his semen sampling. 

The day the doctor was supposed to call back with the test results, Jake distracted her with some high intensity boinking, but when the phone rang, Amy dropped whatever she was holding and held her phone out to Jake - 

"You talk!"

"What? No, you talk!"

"No, I can't!!"

"Ames, you're going to have a lot of questions, trust me, it's better if you talk!"

In the end, the phone was put on speaker mode, and Jake held Amy as tightly as he could as they waited for the lady to read them their fate. 

"So, there aren't any major issues, with either of you, really," she finished after saying a bunch of medical mumbojumbo.

"There, there aren't?" Amy asked  
"But then, why, why-"

"See, Amy, it's like this. You have all the optimum materials for construction, but sometimes the workers just don't turn up on time, you see? Maybe that worker is under stress at home, or sick, or -"

Amy and Jake exchanged incredulous looks. "What?!"

"Amy, from what our chats have revealed to me, you have a type A, _stressy_ personality. Too much stress hampers ovulation, and that can mean mental stress or physical stress. Maybe you're having anovulatory cycles because of the stress- from your job, or personal issues, or -"

"But what can we do about that? Can we fix it? Would IVF work?" 

"Why don't you come in tomorrow afternoon," she said. "And I'll tell you your options."

The entire car ride to the doctor, Amy is silent.

"Babe what are you thinking about?" 

"Nothing..."

A beat passed. Amy took a deep breath and began to speak. "Remember when I just started working at the Nine-Nine, and I would get mad at you for all the spelling errors in your paperwork, and not keeping yours desk clean, and worry about waking McGintley from his nap, and you would tell me that I'm going to stress myself off to death-"

"Amy!" Jake exclaimed, looking stricken."I was joking-"

"I know, I know! But it was true! I've worried myself into this hell hole, and-"

"Hey. It's not your fault!" He said firmly. "Amy. Listen to me. You don't do all that stressing on purpose. You never asked for the panic attacks. It's not your fault you have anxiety."

"The doctor-"

"The doctor doesn't know you like I do, okay? I'm not pretending to know more than an actual fertility specialist about fertility, but I do consider myself a bit of an Amy specialist now-"

Amy bit her lip. "Dork."

"-And I know that blaming yourself is gonna get you nowhere. So you do you, you're perfect the way you are, okay?" 

Amy kissed his cheek. "I love you." 

He stuck his tongue out at her. "I love you, honey. Now shall we?"

When the receptionist called their name, Amy found Jake's hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "It's going to be okay," he whispered into her hair, before kissing her on the forehead. "We're going to be okay."

Dr. Mira was pleasant and calm. "Before going to IVF, I'm going to out you on medication to induce ovulation, for six months. If ovulation is our only problem, then you might be pregnant within the next half year!" 

Amy couldn't stop herself from sharing a quick look with Jake. After so long with no results, a definitive timeline gave Amy the hope that maybe this could _actually happen_ for them.

"You'll have to take the pill for one week per month, and also keep having intercourse regularly-" 

At this, Jake nudged her thigh and she bit her tongue to stifle her grin. Regular intercourse she could do.

"There's only a 10% chance you'll get pregnant in the first cycle, and if you don't get pregnant within six months, we'll work our way to IVF. Considering your age and stress levels, it may take a while. You may have some side effects of headaches, nausea, hot flushes but these are typically mild, call me if you feel any severe discomfort -" 

_Six months._ There was a chance, (35%, she googled) that within the next six months, she would be pregnant. With their _child._

She was so excited, that she didn't let the thought about the other 65% bother her. Too much. 

She started taking the meds the next week, and they started the scheduled sex again. But this time, Amy decided to be as chill as possible and researched her ass off on How To Make Sex Exciting Again. Jake caught her one day, and announced, "Well, it definitely isn't by googling it!" and heaved her up into his arms, before carrying her to the bedroom, throwing her on the bed and having his way with her.

Not that Amy was complaining.

Three weeks later found them snuggled on a couch, watching Property Brothers and munching their way through buttered popcorn that Amy had _somehow_ managed to burn. 

Jake was lying down with his head in her lap and Amy was running her fingers through his curls, occasionally stopping to pull his hair when he made a dumb joke. 

This was good, just the two of them, hanging out. She'd been feeling so cranky and helpless lately, and when a commercial came along, talking about strength and perseverance, Amy teared up at how tenacious people could be, and wait, was that cryable?

"Ames?" 

"Yeah?"

"You good?"

"Mm-hmm."

He threw her a strange look, but didn't comment. Amy was glad. She was far too confused and far too tired to dissect what crying at a car commercial meant. 'Stupid meds', she thought, but immediately backtracked and felt guilty when she remembered that the drugs were supposed to be helping her achieve her dream of getting pregnant.

She hoped it would be a one-off thing, the emotional lability, but it got worse over the week. She teared up at random things, like when they ran out of milk one morning, and when one of her officers told her their pet goldfish died.

Not to mention the other symptoms that kept cropping up. She was sweating. In January! She was the kind of person who could feel cold in July. Now she found herself turning down the heat in midwinter. Jake gave her a bewildered expression when she said 'It's too hot' and went to sleep only in a camisole and Jake's old boxers. 

"Too hot?!" He croaked.

"Probably the hormones," Amy whispered, and for the first time in their lives, probably, didn't try to steal the covers off of Jake.

It wasn't until Wuntch's funeral, when her sweat soaked through two thick layers of clothing, that Amy paid attention. 

"That can't be normal," Rosa said.   
And Amy would have ignored it, but Rosa had gone to med school, hadn't she? She probably knew something about this. 

Hesitantly, when she went out to look for a change of clothes, she called the number to her doctor's office. 

"Severe hot flushes? Easy irritability?"

"Yeah, and my breasts are tender, too. It's basically like my PMS symptoms, amplified."

"Well-"

"I mean, I know it could be because of the drugs, and you did tell me to call if I had severe symptoms and I'm not sure if these can be classified as severe but-"

"Amy, when did you start taking the meds?"

"4 weeks ago?" 

"Okay, so, these symptoms aren't really normal-"

"They're not?"

"But...they seem very similar to symptoms of well, pregnancy..."

Amy wasnt sure she heard her right the first time, so she said, very eloquently, "Huh?"

The doctor told her to call after she took a pregnancy test. Amy sighed. She really wasn't in the mindset to be looking at more negative pregnancy tests. 

She saw her phone ringing, it was Rosa. Probably to warn her of Holt's next shenanigan. 

_I can't be pregnant. Not this easily._

And after putting on a huge robe she found in the closet, she went out to look for her boss-turned-subordinate, who was being a more pressing problem right then.

They got through the memorial service without any glitches. She got home to Jake cooking them omelettes for dinner. She took a shower, because the sweat made her stinky and grumpy, and then kissed Jake in thanks for his perfect Spanish omelettes. They chatted about their day, they did the dishes, they got ready for bed.  
Through it all, the fact that she might be pregnant sat in Amy's headspace like a big lump of dough, sticky and heavy. 

She wanted to take the test, so so badly. She wanted to know, she wanted the doctor to be right, she wanted to see the look on Jake's face when she told him she was finally, _finally_ pregnant.

She really didn't want to go through the heartbreak of seeing yet another negative test.

When she went to do her nightly bathroom routine- two minutes brushing, three minutes flossing, serum on her face, moisturizer on her elbows, brushing her hair - taking a total of ten minutes, (8 minutes and 52 seconds being her record - in their early days of living together, Jake got into the annoying habit of timing everything she did and challenging her to finish it faster than before. She smiled at the memory. It was a habit they'd lost when Jake went to prison, and never picked up again, after. When Amy asked him about it, he mumbled something about 'it's crazy to live by other people's timetables all the time-' and she wisely didn't bring it up again.)

The box was right there, behind the tampons and the first aid kit. 

She paused. Jake was busy playing Super Mario Party and she chuckled as she heard him talk to the characters as though they could hear him. 

If the test was negative...she could just not tell him. Spare him the heartbreak. And if it was positive...

Amy didn't let her thoughts go in that direction. Huffing out a breath, she did it. She peed on the stick. She pretended to be as nonchalant as possible, for her own benefit, as if she could trick her _own_ mind into believing she didn't care, one way or the other.

While she waited, she flossed. She was reaching the bottle of serum when the timer went off. 

She closed her eyes before picking the test up. 

She opened her eyes to see two pink lines, clear as day. 

She was pregnant.

She took three more tests just to be sure. And when they all turned up positive, one by one, Amy ran her hands all over the shelf to make sure there weren't any tests left. 

She was _pregnant_. 

"Not again, Wario!" She heard the muffled shouts of Jake from the bedroom and realised with a jolt, she had to _tell_ him she was _pregnant._

The thought caused her to giggle hysterically, because _how long_ had she waited for this moment? She knew how he hid his sadness, the disappointment flashing on his face before he arranged his features to console her, to reassure her, to take care of her.   
And now she would get to see his happiness, his unbridled joy, the way his face lit up so it seemed like there were stars in his eyes. 

He was Amy's favorite face, and now she got to put a smile on it, like he did for her everyday. 

She put the test in her pocket and tried to hide her smile. She looked into the mirror and put on a fake expression of concern and worry. 

Then she went out to tell her husband that they were having a baby. 

They barely slept that night.  
They held each other (on top of the blankets because Amy still felt too hot) and whispered _finally, finally_ in shocked disbelief. 

It didn't sink in really, not then.   
They called the doctor the next morning, and she told them to come in for a scan and some tests, and Amy booked them in the next week. _First antenatal visit._ The nurse said. _For confirmation of pregnancy and baseline blood work._

It still didn't sink in.

They went through the week in a daze. Sometimes Amy would catch Jake's eye and he would return her wide eyed stare with a matching one of his own, like, _is this really happening?!_

They tiptoed around the topic, because this news was too good to be true. It was nothing short of a miracle, and they were extremely scared of doing something to jinx it. So they went about their lives, trying to ignore the feelings of _what if it isn't true._

When Jake took Charles' and Terry's kids to the movie premiere that weekend, and came back exhausted but enthralled, that was the first time they talked about kids, ever since they used the Amy Way. 

"They have so much energy." Jake said, sprawled on the bedspread. "And somehow they got tired so easily. They all dozed off in the car ride back home. It's like one minute they were squealing and the next, dead to the world!" 

Amy smiled as she imagined Jake running after their future child, both giggling deliriously. It was a delicious dream, one she rarely allowed herself to think about. Not until the scan. Not until they knew for sure. 

She was shaken from her daydream by Jake looking at her, such a tender look in his eyes. 

"What is it?" She smiled. 

"I can't wait to take _our_ kid to movies," he said, softly. "I can't believe it's really happening." 

Amy couldn't stop the grin spreading on her face. "Neither can I. But it is. The test said so. It is."

Jake chuckled and pulled her body flush to his. "Hell yeah, it is." 

And for the first time since she got pregnant, Jake pushed her (his) t-shirt up and placed his hand on her belly, and gently caressed the skin there. 

She'd imagined this, Jake touching her belly and talking to it, and being all lovey-dovey and disgustingly sappy. She looked forward to it. And now it was _happening._

They were _having a baby._

She tugged his face to hers and smashed her lips against his. They made out furiously until Jake pulled away in surprise.

"Ames...are you crying?" He said, gently brushing the tears off her face. 

Amy, not very far into their relationship, had noticed a peculiar thing about Jake - whenever she cried, his eyes started to glisten too. And it happened now, and she cried harder, because she was married to the love of her life, and they were having a baby.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've written for other fandoms before, and recently B99 and Jake and Amy have gotten my heart. I cannot stop thinking about them, so I thought I'd try out some fic- writing! I'm so glad to see that the b99 fandom on ao3 is amazing! 
> 
> About this fic- it's about Jake and Amy trying for a child, and how their life changes through the years when they make this decision to have a child. I haven't figured out where to end it yet, but I would love to continue it to include Amy's pregnancy, and maybe even their life with children! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think!


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